My Tragedy

Relentlessly, the wind churned with rage

An aftermath of a storm that passed two days ago

Small trickles of rain poured even

Reminding me of the time when you told me to pretend that the rain is not really rain but snow falling down on us…

            Falling…on us…

 

 

At the seaside, we waited for the words to form themselves

To pour from the mind, through our souls

To the broken pieces of the past I was trying to mend

            “Speak up, whatever it is that you said you were going to tell me, just say it.”

 

 

Your voice echoed from a distance

I didn’t want to hear you say anything

Yet you forced me to listen,

 “I told you before, didn’t I? I told you this isn’t going to work!”

 

 

I couldn’t look at you then

I didn’t have the courage to do so

I stood stocked-still

My face turned away

“I didn’t ask you to meet up with me to force you to come back, I just wanted to say goodbye. I’m leaving for Canada next year.”

 

 

I couldn’t say anything more after that

I was busy holding back my tears

You were busy letting me down

            “You’ll find someone else, you’ll find someone who’d be willing to commit.”

 

 

Has it even crossed your mind that I didn’t want to find anybody else?

That I was content just having you, for all that you are

Even for everything that you aren’t

“Was there ever a time that I asked or forced you to commit? What have I done wrong, honestly?”

 

 

You kept quiet

I was waiting for you to lash out on me

I was holding my breath, anxious for your answer,

            “You kept on bothering me”

            “That’s a small price to pay for what you’ve done.”

 

 

 

I wonder why I didn’t break down at that moment

The smallest instinct of preserving my pride took over, I guess

I looked at my folded hands before me, I was trying to get a glimpse of you

Standing beside me

But sadly, I couldn’t see you clearly

            “You’ll find somebody else…”

 

 

It was as if someone slowly shredded me into gazillion pieces

Scattering the broken parts all over the pavement where we stood

I was, once again numbed by too much pain

My body instinctively shutting down

I couldn’t feel the rain gently cascading again,

I couldn’t feel the wind that was cutting me into hundred different forms

I couldn’t hear you desperately yelling at me to let you go…

 

 

            “Are you going somewhere else after this?”

I didn’t answer, just shook my head, no, I didn’t have anywhere else to go…

None that mattered, anyway

            “I’m going then, thank you for this gift. I’ll go ahead now.”

I nodded, feeling the last twig of hope snap

I turned away, I didn’t want to look at you while you leave

It felt like my whole being is silently leaving me also

I was trapped alone with my anguish

Alone with the unbearable pain of loosing the only man that I’ve ever loved…

 

 

I must have spent five minutes seated, crying hard beside a stranger

Then I was overwhelmed with the desire to see you

I stood up

Walked your way, even ran mindlessly

Trying hard to find you amidst the surge of people buried at their own troubles

 Not minding one bit about me, with my blood shot eyes,

 Looking, craning my neck, to find you

But like all other sad love stories, you were already gone

 

 

I saw you once again after that day

I know you saw me too

But we both pretended that we’re strangers

That we didn’t share sweet and bitter times

That you didn’t hold my hand when I was feeling cold

That we didn’t cross each other’s path

 

I am finally letting you go

Though I am still filled with so much love for you

I am choosing to be selfless,

            One choice that I should have done a long time ago

Walk away now…this has been already closed

“WE” are done.